Let me start but assuring you all; no living bears were injured during the creation of this piece. Also, as much as I support the establishment, this had nothing to do with my good friend’s Colorado bar, Denver Sweet (which involves an incredibly different type of ‘bear’ all together). My friends, this is a sugar-driven rant about the lovely snack/treat that are Gummi Bears (with a few extra iterations thrown in). I love the things, so please excuse me if this gets a bit…chewy.

This isn’t going to be some historical palaver, but I do believe a short background to be in order before we progress to my 100% subjective, candy powwow.

Hans Riegel was from Bonn, Germany. This is where the name of his company came from. Ha (Hans)+Ri (Riegel)+Bo (Bonn)=Haribo. Gummi candies were around before Hans Riegel turned them into a bear. Gumdrops and Jujubes, these predated the bear. Allegedly, these were descendants of Turkish Delight and Japanese rice candies. But before Hans got ahold of the idea, the joyful squish we expect from gummi bears/worms was far from present. (I’m imagining a texture something closer to old jelly or dried out fruit cake.) Furthermore, the candies were just boring, round blobs. In the 1920’s when Riegel was elbow deep in oso R&D, dancing bears were a very popular attraction at festivals and circuses. (Ok Ken, perhaps this has a little more to do with your bar than originally thought.) That being the case, Riegel went from confectionist to ringmaster and infused the whimsy of traveling shows into his colorful creation. The rest is a history that you can likely find elsewhere, because I want to start shoving these things directly into my face. 

I searched high and low. I left no stone unturned. Through sandstorms and hurricanes I fought to procure my treasure. (That sounds way better than, “I looked at several grocery stores, a few gas stations, and…like…two international markets.”) 

Let Me Introduce My Haul:

Let’s start with the Kroger generic brand. There isn’t a whole lot to say here. They were boring, maybe good in a pinch if nothing else is available. A plastic-like texture followed by a flavor that wasn’t exactly enjoyable. The colors were pleasant enough, but the same is true with a 128-color box of Crayola Crayons and I haven’t eaten one of them in years. At the end of the day, I’d rather grind a fruit roll-up into a tight little ball and destroy my teeth that way.

I want to shift focus to the powerhouses: Haribo (three iterations), Albanese, and Black Forest.

Haribo bears are the OG of the gummi bear. They are the Cold Crush Brothers of the gummi bear kingdom. No other gummi came before them. Their shape is iconic (they have short arms). Their firm squish allows one to savor every treat just a little bit longer. Of their traditional, (American) 5 flavor bag (more on this in moments) the white pineapple flavor is unmatched by any other gummi. The colors are bright. There is never an occasion to turn down a Haribo.

I was however, told by my friend Aqshat I was sadly a mere padawan in the ways of the gummi. I was told in order to further my training I needed to get my hands on a bag of the original German variety—promptly I did. The German variety features a sixth flavor and adds an apple bear, to the American quintet of raspberry, lemon, orange, pineapple, and strawberry. The apple bears are a late fall stroll through a midwestern orchard in the fall. I highly recommend. 

I can’t even stop there, as a lady friend of mine stopped in World Market and proudly produced a bag to me of Haribo’s Wild Berry variety, which features the original raspberry and strawberry flavors, but introduce wild cherry, wild berry, and (be still my heart) blueberry. A burst of berry-fueled deliverance from misery, I highly encourage any lonely traveler to get their hands on this bag of friendship. (Also, if you are unfamiliar with Cold Crush Brothers, you might as well put them on the record player as you indulge in the aforementioned gummi sanctimony.)

Albanese. I was listening to the song ‘Stars Fell on Alabama’ and realized they had gotten the words wrong. It must have originally been ‘Stars Fell on Albanese’ and I can see why. The squish is perfect—the ideal give and release with every bite. The colors are bold and beautiful and there are TWELVE of them. Count them: one, two…twelve <holds up twelve fingers>. I can see why so many people claim these to be the best bear on the market. While I still do believe Black Forest to have a slight upper hand on the flavor category, and I enjoy the slightly more dense nature of the palette of Haribo varieties, if I created metrics to measure the many depths of gummi bear characteristics (which I did not, because I’m not a monster) but if I DID, I might tell you that Albanese would be the overall winner.

Black Forest bears are delightful in flavor. They are made with real juice. Their arms are longer (why does that matter? I don’t know. But someone brought that to my attention and now I can’t unsee it). I love the flavor of the Black Forest bears. Ultimately one of my favorites in the flavor category, although they aren’t quite as squishy as I like. So I do like these gummies and I will continue to snack on them. Nevertheless, what kills me about the Black Forest bears are the colors. They are too autumnal. One can barely discern a handful of Black Forest bears from a wedding bouquet that’s been drying for years on the wall of a jilted woman who never figured out you have to catch more than flowers to meet your person—you have to be nice.

But friends, there’s more!

I jumped into the obscure world and bought some lesser known gummies to round out this ‘study’ (it was really more of an excuse to eat an obscene amount of gummi bears).

Here is my short list of the final tiny bags:

Royale Sweets Gummies – These were an impulse buy as I was checking out at Burlington (buying work pants). I’m not sure I would suggest these again. The colors were pleasant but there was a slight plastic tinge to the flavor. It was however, a walk down memory lane of sorts. Do you remember the gummi spiders and other assorted insects? They came individually wrapped in a small plastic tray. I used to love those as a kid. There was a candy shop in Appleton, WI a few blocks from the house where I spent my childhood. I remember walking to the shop to buy assorted candies and Garbage Pail Kids trading cards. These Royale Sweets tasted very similar and offered a tinge of nostalgia. However, they did not come with 6-8 legs so the draw was considerably less-than.

Trolli Sour Bursting Crawlers – Speaking of insects, you shouldn’t scoff at Trolli sour worms. They’re reliably sugary and fun. These sweet, little annelids are just plain good. No wonder kids go crazy for them. They also come in super-fun, neon colors. The bursting crawlers are essentially the love child of Trolli sour crawlers and Gushers. This means you get the added bonus of gelatinous, sugar sludge with each chew. Serious win on these. I promise. (Likely a win for our dentists as well.)

Arnold Palmer Half and Half Fruit Snacks – These are not good. They’re somewhat bitter and simply mash in your mouth, there is no ‘gummi’ to note. To get down to the very simple, basic point, tea does not make good gummies.

Vegobears (Malibu) – I am politely passing on the vegan friendly “foamy gummy bear”. The foamy nature of these just made the texture chalky. The flavor wasn’t terrible but for the price and the off-putting texture, unless you’re of the vegan persuasion, spend your money elsewhere. Case closed.

Lily’s Sweet Fruity Friends – I mean, how was I not going to receive a little joy from the name alone? They was zero elasticity to these Fruity Friends, but  they were somewhat firm so gained mild redemption for some structural integrity. The flavors were bland almost boring and the colors were terrible. They had the palette of a dead leaf pile without the lovely fall smell. These are in the ‘boutique’ realm of gummi bears. Don’t be fooled. Just because something is more expensive, doesn’t automatically make it better. Lily should probably find something new to sling. Bears are not her forte. 

Tid Bits Gummies – Ok, admittedly I saved the two I was most excited for for the end. I was first pumped about these because they were açaí/grape flavored. I love the flavor purple. (Marinate on that a minute.) But my dreams all came crashing back to earth. They tasted like prune fruit leather and they’re not even in whimsical shapes. Allegedly made with real fruit juice, I didn’t notice the plastic tinge that sometimes accompanies so many other gummies. But sad sad sad. I don’t need to feign health for my gummi love. I know gummi bears are candy. Get out of my candy isle Tid Bits, you are not one of us.

Kasugai Frutia (Japanese text) Muscat Gummy Candy – I was real excited about these guys. I picked them up at Saraga International Grocery. First off, they were individually wrapped. This was great because it prevents the housing of an entire bag—something I cannot prevent myself from doing with the family size bag of Albanese. Each individually wrapped delight provides a suggested stopping point. They have a nice natural green color too and taste like green grapes but with a slight wine bite. They look like a flat version of the aforementioned fruit, to boot. The chew is perfect. A nice squish and structure until it acquiesced to my bite. These are definitely worthy of the snack bag. They also come in many other flavors and I look forward to experiencing the other varieties. Take a trip to your local international market and let your inner child run wild.

So that’s what I have for you. But I’m not completely finished yet. I will finish by telling you about the gummi bear from hell, and my friend Danny’s purgatorial adventure. Danny Ketner is a true, American hero. Don’t believe me? Watch him take down the Tube of Terror. But I digress… In this challenge Mr. Ketner takes on Lil’ Nitro: The World’s Hottest Gummi Bear. This little gummi pal packs a whopping 9 million Scoville punch. That is about 900 jalapeños at once. Thanks for your sacrifice, Danny. I would never have done that. Seriously. That was ridiculous and I thought you were going to die. Here is a link to what I will humbly call ‘Danny Ketner’s Triumph’.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1302158707089710

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish off the rest of the gummi bears I bought for this…not looking forward to several of them. Actually, Halloween is just around the corner. Is it socially acceptable to give individual gummi bears in Ziplock bags to trick-or-treaters?